i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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