She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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