I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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