I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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