Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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