do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize