I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
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