I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
