if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize