we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
