He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
