Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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