my phone needs a breathalizer
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
We were destined to go to rehab together
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
