Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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