Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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