Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
