make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
