yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
where does the pee come out of this thing
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
