Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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