Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
