the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
