You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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