Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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