im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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