She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
