I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize