The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
