Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I have fence marks all over my body
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
