Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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