We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Hippo gnu deer
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
