I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
