Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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