Tell her she can't have a vagina
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
