So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
