so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
