I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
