Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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