he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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