guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize