I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
