my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
