I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
