Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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