turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
