So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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