My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize