I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
