The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
