Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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