Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
