I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
