His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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