i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
