im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
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