My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
