Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
