Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
