I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
