I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
