Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Randomize
