My underwear smells like fireworks.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
