remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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