mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
