i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
