You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
