Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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