I'm going to rape someone's good day.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
