I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
