cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
