dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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