The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
now i know why i became what i already was.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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